It’s Not About You
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 11/3/11
Happy Adoption Month! I know, the title seems sort of harsh, right? Not exactly what you were expecting for celebrating the way you become a family? Here’s the thing, in order to really celebrate how awesome adoption is, the focus has to be properly placed. Adoptive parents go through a lot, many have issues with fertility and have to work through the pain of not having biological children. Sometimes you experience a failed adoption, which is gut-wrenching. And sometimes you even have to deal with other complicated issues like unknown medical or mental health, how to become a blended family (which is what you are, like it or not), or how to raise a child of a different race. And yet, even though it is you who have to deal with all of these issues, the overarching point is – IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Because if it was, you wouldn’t be doing all these hard things, right? Now of course you want kids, and a family. It’s not that you aren’t necessary or crucial to the process. But in the world of adoption, it absolutely must be about the children. It must be about finding a family for them, not about finding a child for you.
But, but, sputter. What do you mean it’s not about finding me a child? Why then am I being put through the indignation of a homestudy, the strain of waiting, the possibility of failure, and the annoyance of post-placement supervision? Biological parents don’t have to do that. Not to mention what it’s costing me.
Nope, still not about you. Not only not, can’t. For adoption to work for anyone, it has to be about what’s best for the child. Sometimes that’s not what’s best for you. Sometimes you will not be the right match, and that’s ok. Sometimes you will have to wait a long time to be chosen, and have to accept that not every birth mom wants you to parent her child, and that’s ok. Sometimes people will ask you where your child came from, how much they cost or where the “real” mother is. That’s not ok, but will happen so prepare for it. And the preparing for it has a lot more to do with how you model and explain to your child rather than how you deal with your own hurt feelings. Because it’s about your child, still. It will always be about how you can be the best parent for your child, and while that might be slightly different than biological child parenting, that is exactly the same as being a biological parent. When it comes down to it parenting in general is about the child, and there, adoptive parenting is nothing special.
