Like I Said…
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 1/18/12
Sometimes people don't think before they speak, and adoption attracts gawkers and insensitive statements, even in front of adopted kids. Below are some comments from AGOHA adoptive mom Cindy Modrosic, who helpfully put together some real-life questions and corresponding responses from real adoptive/ART moms about their kids, relationships, and parenting. Feel free to steal any responses that might make your life easier.
People can say the darnedest things. As adoptive parents, we hear plenty, as do my friends who are parents through donor conception. While I am happy to educate people about the adoption world and the better names to use for people and situations, what we worry about most is how stupid comments affect our children. Within a 1 month span, I heard “real parents” referenced on TV and radio 3 or 4 times. What must those kinds of terms to do our kids’ perception of their family? And when I model the correct term of birthmother or birthfather and the other speaker doesn’t start using the term, don’t be surprised if I completely call them out on it! Here are some of the highlights of things that have been said to my friends and me.
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“You took the easy way out. You adopted.” Followed closely by “Just adopt.” Yes, we took the easy way out. I enjoyed getting permission from 27 different people to be a parent, having no money to spend for years (after spending all our money on failed infertility treatments), asking friends and family for referrals on what great people we are and especially holding a baby that I didn’t know if I was going to be a parent to.
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You didn’t do awful things to your body being pregnant.” And “You are so lucky you didn't need to buy maternity clothes.” Nope, I have no stretch marks. Instead I have tiny scarring on my stomach from the 300+ shots I gave myself. The 2 miscarriages, including 1 D&C, were a walk in the park too. And research is still rather inconclusive on what the final results of all those hormones I injected will be. I would gladly trade all of it for stretch marks.
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Didn’t you want a child of your own?” and “So, you couldn't have kids of your own?” Yes, I wanted kids of my own. These two beautiful boys ARE MY OWN.
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Are you going to buy another baby?” and “So how much did he cost?” Well let me scan the UPC bar code on his butt and find out since I don’t remember. While adoptions are expensive, what we pay for is the advertising to find the birthparents, the counseling for the birthparents, counseling for us, filing of legal paperwork and sometimes some living expenses for the birthparents, among other things. I did not pay for my child. That is illegal.
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“He clings to you like you’re his mom.” I don’t wipe his butt and pay for his room and board out of generosity. I AM his mom. Period.
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“How old was he when you got him?” and “Where was he born?” While not offensive questions, the reactions from people when I tell them that they were born in state and we were there 4 hours after birth for kid #1 and down the hall for kid #2, people seem very disappointed and almost offended.
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“If it's meant to be it'll happen.” Right by that logic if I play on the highway I'll only get hit by a car if it's meant to be.
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“Adopt and you'll fall pregnant for sure.” “And now you will get pregnant. Just watch!” (I got a puppy and didn't end up having a litter of my own) And while I know people this has happened to, research shows that anyone who quits treatment has a small percentage of a chance of becoming pregnant spontaneously, regardless of an adoption status. It has also happened to just as many friends who quit treatment and did not adopt. This has also been said to my friend after her hysterectomy and to me after my tubes were tied as part of my infertility treatment.
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“Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mom/mum.” Maybe my spork wants to visit your eyeball.
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“Take my kids that'll cure you of wanting them.” Who do you hate more, me or your kids?
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“Are they your real kids?” Nope! My imagination is *that* good that I can make others see them! And I’m their “real” mom – no plastic!
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“Bless your heart taking in those poor kids.” “You are saints for adopting.” We asked for these kids. We are the lucky ones to be their parents. While yes, there are some people out there who are truly saints for adopting extreme special needs kids, most of us just want to be a mom or dad.
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“Where is their real mommy?” and “Or, "how tall is his mom?"
Me: "well, you're looking at her right now… How tall do I look?" Again, not plastic. And by using those words, people completely negate our relationship with our children. For the record, but of my children have spent time with their birthfamilies, know who they look like (and how tall their birthfamily members are) and will always be told how loved they are by both of their families. -
“Where is their real mommy?” and “Or, "how tall is his mom?"
Me: "well, you're looking at her right now… How tall do I look?" Again, not plastic. And by using those words, people completely negate our relationship with our children. For the record, but of my children have spent time with their birthfamilies, know who they look like (and how tall their birthfamily members are) and will always be told how loved they are by both of their families. -
“When are you going to tell them they are adopted?” Um…you think I'd tell you but not tell them? Particularly enjoy this question to parents of transracially adopted children!
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About my kids, while knowing I'm their mom: "are they siblings?" Clearly, yes, I'm mom to both of them so that's how that works. I understand what they are really asking but will never understand why this matters so much to everyone we meet.
This final comment came from my first son’s birthmom. She did what medical science could not – she made me a mom. I have found that my momma bear instincts kick in when people ask about her and her motives to chose adoption for her baby. I’ll stand up for her the same way I stand up for my son when the brat at school calls him names! Adoption is an incredibly loving, brave choice. I’ve seen people take the “easy” way out and just pass the baby on to another family member. There is nothing easy about chosing adoption, and all of my adoptive parent friends are incredibly grateful to our children’s birthparents for their choice.
My personal favorite (I am a birth mom) How could you give up your child????? Didn't you love them?…(Of course I loved my child. That’s why I picked his parents. lol) Biology doesnt make a family….love does…and so many people dont realize that…
