A Gift of Hope Adoptions

Continuing with the feel-good series of the year, and this time we are going to focus on your flaws. Yep, you are not perfect. I’ll let you digest that for a moment. Have you swallowed your pride and decided to read on? Good for you, perhaps we can move forward. You see, many adoptive families give me a laundry list of what they are looking for in their child, usually culminating in the child being healthier, prettier and smarter than they could possibly deliver in a biological child. Now I’m not saying that I can’t place that particular child; I have done so many times. But what most adoptive parents don’t realize (or choose to ignore) is that when I have that child to place, it is not the agency who chooses the adoptive family, it is that child’s birth mother. And she might not want you to parent her child. More digestion required here I see. I’ll wait.

Did you get that – she doesn’t want you to be the adoptive family. Guess what, that’s fine. It’s not your decision, it’s hers. Just because you are shown on a particular situation that you think must be meant for you because it’s absolutely everything you want doesn’t mean you will get chosen. So get over it. Seriously, get over yourself. You are not God’s gift to every birth mom. You aren’t supposed to be. Every birth mom (or birth family – sometimes the birth fathers are involved too you know) has her own idea of what the perfect family for her child looks like. Sometimes it’s a general idea, sometimes there are very defined specifics that are deal breakers for her. Sometimes that changes as she goes through the process. And she has every right to that, even when it's hard to define or articulate. No one, not her social worker, not her extended family and certainly not grabby adoptive families should be trying to convince her otherwise. Sometimes this is hard; sometimes she does have to embrace a reality check too because her list is unrealistic. But usually she has many choices and chooses the family who she thinks will be the best from her point of view. Read that sentence again – HER point of view, not yours. Not even mine.

I get very frustrated with adoptive parents who seem to assume that because they have a certain characteristic that they will of course be chosen any time they are shown. This is part of the reason we tend not to share every time you are shown – because if you are not chosen we both have to deal with the fallout. Does this mean you shouldn’t adopt? Of course not, I didn’t say you were wrong for every situation. But you do have to accept that you will be rejected by more prospective birth mothers than you will be accepted by. For those of you who sat at the cool kids lunch table in high school this will require a giant paradigm shift. For the rest of us it will be same ‘ole story, different face. But for those of us who were unpopular nerds in high school can testify to the fact that initial rejection often leads to a much better situation later on, and this holds true in adoption as well. Yes waiting is hard. But again, the wait isn’t about you, although the stress makes it seem that way. The wait is for your child, and as parents – you will become parents! – we wait a lot. We wait in the doctor’s office, in the carpool, for the potty. This one is longer than most, but the payoff is greater too. If you can get over yourself, that is. And I will be very clear – if you cannot get over yourself you should not adopt. I realize this is frustrating, but what I have learned over the years is just because you may be great parents does not mean you would be great adoptive parents, and our children deserve the best parents they can have, whether biological or adoptive.  

Happy Adoption Month! I know, the title seems sort of harsh, right? Not exactly what you were expecting for celebrating the way you become a family? Here’s the thing, in order to really celebrate how awesome adoption is, the focus has to be properly placed. Adoptive parents go through a lot, many have issues with fertility and have to work through the pain of not having biological children. Sometimes you experience a failed adoption, which is gut-wrenching. And sometimes you even have to deal with other complicated issues like unknown medical or mental health, how to become a blended family (which is what you are, like it or not), or how to raise a child of a different race. And yet, even though it is you who have to deal with all of these issues, the overarching point is – IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Because if it was, you wouldn’t be doing all these hard things, right? Now of course you want kids, and a family. It’s not that you aren’t necessary or crucial to the process. But in the world of adoption, it absolutely must be about the children. It must be about finding a family for them, not about finding a child for you.

But, but, sputter. What do you mean it’s not about finding me a child? Why then am I being put through the indignation of a homestudy, the strain of waiting, the possibility of failure, and the annoyance of post-placement supervision? Biological parents don’t have to do that. Not to mention what it’s costing me.

Nope, still not about you. Not only not, can’t. For adoption to work for anyone, it has to be about what’s best for the child. Sometimes that’s not what’s best for you. Sometimes you will not be the right match, and that’s ok. Sometimes you will have to wait a long time to be chosen, and have to accept that not every birth mom wants you to parent her child, and that’s ok. Sometimes people will ask you where your child came from, how much they cost or where the “real” mother is. That’s not ok, but will happen so prepare for it. And the preparing for it has a lot more to do with how you model and explain to your child rather than how you deal with your own hurt feelings. Because it’s about your child, still. It will always be about how you can be the best parent for your child, and while that might be slightly different than biological child parenting, that is exactly the same as being a biological parent. When it comes down to it parenting in general is about the child, and there, adoptive parenting is nothing special.

So, now you know what we think you should do, now let’s hear what we think you shouldn’t do. Let’s face it, waiting makes you crazy. Some of us were crazy to begin with, and this just focuses the crazy. Others were not crazy (or thought they weren’t anyway) and the wait brings out the crazy they never knew was there.

Unfortunately, particularly for people who never knew how grueling the wait can be, there are those things that you think might be helpful that actually will make it worse. I’ll address the major one from a professional point of view and include a few others as well.

The big one you think will help you settle and actually will ruin your life – asking to be notified every time your profile is shown or checking in with your adoption professional obsessively. Read it again. Note that I did not say never check in, or that you should never know if you are being shown. However, if you hire someone to help you network/advertise/provide matching services, there is some element of trusting that decision and your ability to hire solid professionals. Trust me when I say if you knew every time we sent out your profile, directed someone to the Waiting Family page on our website, talked you up on the phone to someone who seemed like a good match, you would be a complete wreck. Not every prospective birth parent will pick a family right away, not every one will pick period – some choose to use another adoption professional, or parent their child instead. Guess what – that’s totally fine. Just because you are waiting to adopt and they are considering it does not mean every situation is a perfect match for you. But if you knew every time, you would start to wonder what was wrong with you or your profile and it just spirals down into obsessive profile changes or general depression about adoption in general.  So how do you balance not being obsessive about knowing every detail about every situation you’ve ever had the possibility of being considered for and just not knowing anything ever including whether the people you hired are actually doing their job? First, do your homework when choosing an adoption professional. Second, check in occasionally – say quarterly, with your rep or social worker to see if there is any feedback from prospective birth parents on your profile and how the agency is doing in general. All agencies have slow times, so don’t freak out if you haven’t been shown. Sometimes you can go 2 months without being shown and then get shown 3 times in one month. It is not an exact science, but make sure you know what your adoption professional’s averages are. Third, keep your agency aware of your situation – always notify them with any changes in your life or if you will be gone on vacation give updated contact info. Below are some more general Don’ts while you wait.

• Don’t panic. It will happen, but panicking about when or how won’t do anyone any good.
• Don’t look up every photolisting, every professional situation posting, every adoption network site for posted situations needing adoptive families. Again, it will make you crazy.
• Don’t look longingly at baby magazines or decorate your nursery if it will make things worse. Buy one item occasionally, but decorating the whole nursery and then staring at it will only make it harder.
• Don’t play the what-if game. You can’t erase your past, you can’t control your infertility, and you can’t force a birth mother to pick you. You can still have a family through the miracle of adoption.

So, you’ve made it through the homestudy process (not nearly as scary as you thought, just LOTS of paperwork) and made a fantastic profile that showcases your family in the best possible light. Your agency, attorney, facilitator, referral service has the profile and is showing it to prospective birth parents. What do you do now? Hurry up and wait?

The waiting process can be long or short, and unlike your average biological pregnancy does not reveal itself physically unless you actually get to the point of tearing your hair out. It’s still stressful, frustrating and mentally exhausting. So what are some tips and tricks from the pros and the parents who have made it through to keep you from walking up to random pregnant women and asking if you can have their baby?  

First, some to-do tips from the adoption professionals on how to maintain your composure. At least on the outside.

•          Network, network, network, network, network, network. Someone doesn’t know you want to adopt? Make sure they do now!
•          Have/find a hobby – seriously, it helps to have something normal (or not so normal) to take your mind off it.
•          Start a savings account for legal fees and birth mom expenses.
•          Start a journal or blog to record the highs and lows of the process – be sure to link to your profile or agency website!
•          Check to see if there are any adoption support groups in your area – if not start one!
•          Read books and articles on various aspects of adoption.  There are lots of interesting articles on this website to get you started.  
•          Stick to a normal routine. Yes, the call could come anytime. That doesn’t mean you should stop making dinner and stare obsessively at the phone. Then you’re still waiting and really hungry.

Next time we’ll cover some don’ts, because some things you think will be helpful might actually make you less sane.

Myth: There are Many Unwanted Babies Available for Domestic Adoption

National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24-30. As a majority of the families who become clients of A Gift of Hope Adoptions have some degree of infertility, we are proud to celebrate their arrival as parents through adoption. However, this celebration never comes without a struggle, and proper grieving of the biological child that they will not have. Part of our job as Adoption Counselors is to make sure that they are supported through that grief, and to help them celebrate when the child they have waited for finally arrives.  As part of their events for the week, RESOLVE has asked infertility bloggers to “Bust a Myth” about infertility. While we are not an infertility blog, adoption is often intertwined with infertility, so in honor of all of our clients who have fought that fight, A Gift of Hope Adoptions is happy to bust a myth about domestic adoption.

Yep, we get calls asking about our inventory. Ouch – does that sound harsh or demeaning? It is. It degrades the birth mothers who make the agonizing choice to make an adoption plan for their child. It degrades the adoptive parents who wait and hope and agonize over whether their profile will appeal to a woman in that position. It degrades the professionals who counsel clients in either position, and ultimately work to further the best interest of the child.

And yet for some reason there seems to be this perception that there are just loads of babies lined up in bassinets in an adoption agency back room just waiting for someone to pick out the perfect addition to their family.They magically remain newborns until they are chosen, usually healthy, white, and preferably a girl. Sometimes we get requests for other attributes, or twins, or a potty trained toddler to “fit in” to the existing family structure, or worse, be a playmate for another child the same age.

My colleagues and I have started calling these magical situations “Barcode Babies”

Because people seem to think that we can just build their perfect baby – they put the order in and we build their perfect baby like a new computer. Then we slap a barcode on them and scan them through the system and send them on their way. We will often get deadlines such as “I’d like healthy twin girls by Christmas, with brown eyes like me and blonde hair like my husband.” I’m not sure why this perception exists, although I can understand why infertile families latch on to that. This is what many infertile families dream of during the process of trying to conceive, and it is natural that it would transfer to the next step. Unfortunately, this is not the way it is, and this is part of the process that adoptive families must reconcile before they adopt.

While there are a lot of children waiting to be adopted – a little over 114,000 according to the Dave Thomas Foundation – they are not healthy infants. They are children who have been removed from their homes due to abuse or neglect and are waiting through the foster care system. They are in desperate need of loving families, however the process to adopt is difficult and the needs that must be addressed are great. I commend anyone willing to jump through the hoops to adopt these children and am thrilled when A Gift of Hope is part of that process, but I never recommend anyone go about it uninformed – that sets both you and the adoption up for failure. Does this mean there are no infants adopted in the US? Of course not, but the process is more complicated than putting your order in. The data is somewhat vague on this subject as agency and independent adoptions are not reported. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway in 2001 (most recent data available) about 127,000 children were adopted and 45% of those were private agency, independent, kinship or tribal. The most recent data on people seeking to adopt is from 1995, and only includes data on women. In 1995, there were about 1.6 million women who had taken steps to adopt, and 487,000 who had completed an adoption. Just by my extremely conservative math, that means there are approximately 9 families waiting for every child placed, if you apply the waiting women 1995 data to the 2001 adoption data. This does not take into account type of adoption, and since in general infants are preferred by adoptive families but declining in availability, I would assume there are many more waiting adoptive families per infant placed (I have heard whispered estimates that it is closer to 100 waiting families for every infant, although I'm not sure who did the math on that). Please do not take these calculations as gospel – the data is largely unavailable so these are very much estimates. But the harsh reality is there are fewer and fewer babies available and more and more families waiting for them. It is not impossible, however, and to those who are still dreaming of a baby know that we are hoping with you that it will soon be your turn.

Want a basic understanding of Infertility? Check out RESOLVE's Infertility 101.

Interested in knowing more about National Infertility Awareness week? Here is the background.

A Gift of Hope Adoptions is always trying to keep up with the latest trends and techniques in social media and marketing while still protecting the privacy of our clients. It can be a fine line, as particularly for adoptive parents exposure to potential birth parents is crucial but it must be countered with protection of personal information that could be used for identity theft or adoption scammers. At AGOHA we strive to both protect our clients (birth and adoptive families) as well as make sure they get the maximum possible exposure to make that match. We have a Facebook group which is closed – meaning you have to be approved by the administrator and can be removed for inappropriate comments, behavior, pictures, etc. – and a Facebook page, which anyone can "Like" or follow. The group is more support for current clients and information for prospective clients, as well as a place to brag about your children, while the page is general adoption information and links to current adoption media. AGOHA also has a Twitter account – follow us @GiftofHopeAdopt – and a YouTube Channel as well as a new e-newsletter. Having your agency market you can be helpful for adoptive parents and birth parents as you can have your agency be the contact and filter for you and only present situations that would match your preferences. This works not only for adoptive parents but for birth parents as well – have your agency screen adoptive families for you and only show you the ones that meet your preferences. If you are looking for potential adoptive parents or just more information about adoption feel free to fill out our Birth Parents Contact form and we can email you an application and/or profiles that meet your qualifications, or send them by postal mail also.