A Gift of Hope Adoptions

Guest post by Tina Tyra

I am often asked by adoptive parents, "How do I tell my child he/she is adopted?".  My answer is, you don't make an event of it.  From an early age, you talk to your child about how your family was born.  If your child is from China, you talk about your excitement of going there and finding her.  If your child was placed into your arms by a birth mother, you talk about how she came to the decision and how she picked you and that it was a loving, thoughtful choice.  Each child will have a different adoption story.  How do you start?  I think the earlier the better, so you start by reading a bedtime story.  For that reason, I wrote a book specifically for this purpose.  How Will You Find Me? is a book designed for young children.  Through the magic of animal families (lovingly illustrated by an adoptive parent), a child can learn that there's more than one way to build a family.  At the end, it asks the question, "How DID you find me?"  Each family can then share their adoption story with their child in a natural progression of the book.  In this way, a child can learn early on how they came into their family and what a joy their parents felt when they came home.  Years later, when someone asks them, "How did you find out you were adopted?", they can answer, "I always knew".   – Tina Tyra, author

www.howwillyoufindme.com  (publisher) or Amazon.com.  It currently comes up under my name or you can click on books and enter the title.

The concept of open adoption is simultaneously understood and vastly misconstrued. Openness in adoption refers to the level of contact between the birth family and the adoptive family. In the US historically adoptions were closed; there was no contact between either party. The birth mother gave birth and the child was whisked away never to be seen or heard from again, and from the adoptive parents point of view a baby magically appeared in a bassinette and a smiling nurse or social worker handed him/her over at the appointed time. This has (thankfully) fallen out of favor in the adoption community, although the stereotype still persists. Now birth parents usually participate in the selection of the adoptive family and maintain some sort of contact during the child’s life, whether via updates such as photos and letters, through social media, phone contact, or in person visits.

The level of openness depends on the type and frequency of contact between the birth and adoptive families. The confusion comes when someone tries to call one type of adoption an “open adoption.” Openness is really more of a range or a scale than a defined type of adoption. The more contact you have the more open it is, rather than x y and z = an open adoption. So if you hear someone say “I want an open adoption” that usually means “I want some form of contact in my adoption relationship.” So the real question is, “What type of contact and frequency of contact do you want?” At A Gift of Hope Adoptions rather than asking whether a particular client wants an open, semi-open or closed adoption we ask what type of contact do you want before, during and after the placement. The reality is most adoptions are classified as semi-open (or semi-closed, depending on your personal philosophy). It is also important to note that the level of openness changes during the lives of those involved; contact is more fluid than set in stone. Being flexible and attentive to where the other party is in their own personal process is essential to an effective relationship.

Another misconception comes with advocates of either side. As I said, most adoptions fall in the semi-open range, and this is usually the best case scenario for everyone, particularly the child. Many parents forget that the point of adoption is for the best interest of the child. If the point of adoption is to find a family for a child who needs one, then it is vitally important that we provide that child as complete a history as we can. Everyone is curious to know where they come from, and as parents we are obliged to aid our children in identity formation, whether that is comfortable for us or not. Completely closed adoption cut off a child from his or her history, and while completely open adoptions may or not be in the child's best interest depending on the circumstances (ie if the birth parents are out of the picture for abuse/neglect reasons) that child still deserves to know why adoption was the best option, as is maturity appropriate of course.

Contact between adoptive families and birth families is still a hot topic and big issue to consider.  For some reason, the general stereotype persists of adoption as a business arrangement whereby knocked up prom queen goes off to visit an aunt for a few months, surreptitiously delivers a baby who is spirited away by a nurse and eventually finds his or her way into the waiting arms of an adoptive family after a brief residence in a magical orphanage that seemingly manufactures babies that come from nowhere. We never hear anything more about the knocked up prom queen who somehow ends up back in high school as captain of the cheerleaders once again, dating the same football quarterback who didn’t agree or disagree to the adoption and neither ever thinks about the baby ever again, right? They never wonder about how he/she is doing, whether his/her parents love her as much as they do, whether the child knows about the adoption at all. Sure, that’s totally the way people work emotionally.

Reality check: that was 50 years ago, and it wasn't healthy then either. Times have changed, and contact between adoptive families and birth families is not only common, it’s expected. At least it’s expected from the birth families usually. If you had any illusions of a nun or a nurse, or a sarcastic social worker, magically appearing at your door with a baby who somehow looks exactly like you – get over it. So now that you understand that you will do the birth parents the courtesy of keeping them apprised of the health and welfare of the child they so selflessly gave you, you do have to decide when, how much, and medium. Note, that’s not if, but when and how. I can hear the protests, but biological parents don’t have to do this, why should I have to. Again, reality check – adopting is different than biological parenting. No it’s not fair, but once again, reality rears its ugly head.  Let me be clear, if you are not willing to consider the possibility of continuing, long term contact of at least yearly photos and updates to the birth mother (remember her – she gave you her kid) then you are not prepared to be adoptive parents. At least not domestic adoptive parents.

Here’s the deal, contact should not be threatening to you. You send your great aunt Roberta pictures and updates containing nauseating detail, sometimes via the easiest method possible – Facebook status. How is this so difficult to translate into your child’s birth mother? She’s probably on Facebook, and if not, there are number of places that will process the pictures of the giant poosplosion you subjected the rest of us to, and you can even send them through your agency in order to keep your address to yourself. So what is the problem? Concerned that she might want the poosplosion back? If you followed your agency’s advice and the parental rights were properly and legally terminated she couldn’t even if she wanted to. I know, I’m trivializing your pain and experience. Here’s the thing – it’s not about you anymore. I know infertility is tortuous and adopting still brings up grief mixed in with the joy of finally being a parent. But just like every parent – biological or adoptive – it simply can’t be about you anymore. Adopting in many ways is like marriage, you have to find the right match, you have to work at it, it’s a roller coaster, and it brings you to a place where we is more important than me. Just like with marriage, for adoption to work properly you have to get over yourself. Put the needs of the child above your own, and go a little out of your way to honor and respect your child’s birth mother. She went more than a little out of her way for you.

Happy Adoption Month! I know, the title seems sort of harsh, right? Not exactly what you were expecting for celebrating the way you become a family? Here’s the thing, in order to really celebrate how awesome adoption is, the focus has to be properly placed. Adoptive parents go through a lot, many have issues with fertility and have to work through the pain of not having biological children. Sometimes you experience a failed adoption, which is gut-wrenching. And sometimes you even have to deal with other complicated issues like unknown medical or mental health, how to become a blended family (which is what you are, like it or not), or how to raise a child of a different race. And yet, even though it is you who have to deal with all of these issues, the overarching point is – IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Because if it was, you wouldn’t be doing all these hard things, right? Now of course you want kids, and a family. It’s not that you aren’t necessary or crucial to the process. But in the world of adoption, it absolutely must be about the children. It must be about finding a family for them, not about finding a child for you.

But, but, sputter. What do you mean it’s not about finding me a child? Why then am I being put through the indignation of a homestudy, the strain of waiting, the possibility of failure, and the annoyance of post-placement supervision? Biological parents don’t have to do that. Not to mention what it’s costing me.

Nope, still not about you. Not only not, can’t. For adoption to work for anyone, it has to be about what’s best for the child. Sometimes that’s not what’s best for you. Sometimes you will not be the right match, and that’s ok. Sometimes you will have to wait a long time to be chosen, and have to accept that not every birth mom wants you to parent her child, and that’s ok. Sometimes people will ask you where your child came from, how much they cost or where the “real” mother is. That’s not ok, but will happen so prepare for it. And the preparing for it has a lot more to do with how you model and explain to your child rather than how you deal with your own hurt feelings. Because it’s about your child, still. It will always be about how you can be the best parent for your child, and while that might be slightly different than biological child parenting, that is exactly the same as being a biological parent. When it comes down to it parenting in general is about the child, and there, adoptive parenting is nothing special.

More than ever A Gift of Hope is seeing our birth parents and adoptive parents maintain contact through some form of social networking (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc). I see this trend in a very positive light, as I think it is a great way to share photos and updates on the child’s life and maintain contact information in case of a move. For adoptive parents and birth parents who may not be able to talk regularly, it gives the peace of mind of a somewhat regular update without feeling intrusive. However, it is important to consider both parties’ comfort level with information sharing prior to “friending” each other. Some questions to consider:

• Did you originally want to keep your address private?
• Do you want the other party to have access to all of your friends, business contacts and family members?
• Do you really want to know the day in/day out details provided by status updates?

If you do, great, friend each other, tag photos and don’t hesitate to tell everyone about the fantastic mess your child made today. However, both for adoptive parents and birth parents it is crucial to be sensitive to the other’s comfort level, and this might not be appropriate in all situations. Birth mom may not have told everyone she’s ever met about the adoption, and may want to keep some of those details private. Adoptive family may have nosy friends or family members who would not keep the child’s personal story for them to tell. Rather than not utilizing the advances in social networking that are available, many of our adoptive families have found that setting up a separate profile or page specifically for the purpose of “friending” birth family works well. Birth family has access to photos, updates and private messaging without feeling like everyone they’ve ever met will get to see those things as well. Adoptive family has access to the birth family still without all of their friends and family having the same level of access, so they control the information released. It’s also a good resource in case of a move, or the need to get a hold of the other quickly for questions about medical history. So utilize social networking in the way that works for you, and remember not to be intimidated by contact in adoption. A child can never have too many people who love him/her.

FYI, A Gift of Hope Adoptions has both a Facebook page and group, as well as a MySpace group. Go “like” (what used be a fan page) AGOHA on Facebook for updates and links to news articles regarding adoption.

Some thoughts from Executive Director Dewey Crepeau, an experienced adoption attorney, on recent news about the arrest of an adoption scammer.

A recent news article about the arrest of accused Indiana adoption scammer, Amber Jackson, is another reminder that all of the normal difficulties and troubles that one may experience in adopting can be compounded by the deliberate efforts of others.I guess in a fallen world we should not be surprised that any human endeavor, including something as beautiful as adoption, can be the subject of deliberate sabotage.

In the above listed news article, a woman is charged with multiple felony counts related to adoption scamming. Adoption scamming usually involves a woman who accepts money from someone with the intention of never placing a child. While this does not happen that often, it does occur often enough that experienced adoption agencies are usually wondering, at least initially, if they are dealing with a scammer or not. People who are new to adoption will occasionally ask me to discuss adoption alternatives with them. One of the definite advantages of going with an experienced adoption agency is that we are more attuned to scammers than an individual who is attempting to adopt on their own (especially for the first time) can ever be. The prevalence of scammers in today's society is one reason why our agency has chosen not to put our families’ profiles on an Internet site that is publicly accessible.

While most scams involve money, occasionally we hear of women who obtain some type of psychological satisfaction from scamming adoptive couples without asking for any money. They usually end the scam by claiming that they have had a miscarriage.

Prosecution of adoption scammers is relatively rare. Often the woman is really pregnant but has no intention of placing. However, that is difficult to prove as she can always claim that she simply changed her mind. If that is the case, and she only worked with one adoptive couple, most prosecutors are unwilling to devote the resources necessary to prosecute the case. In the above case, there were ideal factors that lead to prosecution. First, she was never actually pregnant and falsified medical records. That alone would probably be enough to lead a prosecutor to file charges if enough money had been scammed. Other additional factors in the above story was that the birth mother worked with more than one couple or agency which clearly shows an intent that she wasn't going to place with at least someone that she accepted money from as part of an adoption plan.

The best way to protect yourself from being scammed is to work with an agency. While some scammers are blatant and crude in their methods, some are very subtle and patient and content to get a little money at a time. It can sometimes be a judgment call even for an experienced agency to decide whether to work with some birthmothers who may appear to be possible scammers, and while we typically catch most before a match is made, sometimes scammers can fool even experienced professionals. The only good news is that it may be possible that if you do lose money you can attempt to reimburse yourself through the federal adoption tax credit. However, that is little consolation for your psychological and emotional damage that is left in the wake of an adoption scammer. If a prosecutor is willing to file charges, he must have a victim that is willing to come forward. While you cannot erase the pain of what happened to you, you may be able to protect others if you are willing to cooperate with the police and the prosecuting attorney.

One final word on scamming, it does occasionally go the other way. We have heard rumors of a couple who seem to delight in making themselves available as adoptive parents in difficult cases only to pull out later on leaving birth parents and the child in a very difficult situation. The bottom line is that there are those who would take advantage of anyone in a vulnerable situation, and it pays to protect yourself by seeking the advice of professionals who have less emotional investment than you do, and who may be able to save you both time and emotional distress.