It was somewhere around the 7^th hour of flying that I began to doubt if we would ever make it back home.  Some of the other passengers regarded me with sympathy, but the majority was trying to mentally eject my screaming newborn daughter from the plane.  I imagined them thinking, “Who is this horrible mother dragging a three week old infant across the world?” as they shot laser beams out of their eyes towards us.   

 I was tired, cranky, and I definitely smelled suspicious after wrestling with luggage, a car seat, stroller, and infant by myself.  I tried every possible arrangement of airplane pillows to find a comfortable way to feed her before I allowed myself to acknowledge that no such position actually existed.  Though I had carefully premeasured formula before boarding, the plane seemed to hit turbulence every time I tried to mix a bottle so that my previously blue shirt was now spotted with fstains and baby vomit. After a journey through customs and yet another plane ride, we landed.  I collected our luggage in a shaky rush and stumbled bleary-eyed into the arms of my husband and watched as he met our daughter for the first time, all of the stress of traveling simply melted away. 

 The day we had arrived home was Christmas Eve and I REALLY needed coffee to combat the jet lag.  As I sat at Starbucks with my husband, my son, and my new daughter, I noticed the politely averted stares and curious smiles of the locals as they regarded my colorful little family; Caucasian parents, a two-year-old African American boy, and a biracial newborn girl with bright blue eyes living in Okinawa.

 My husband is a psychologist with the United States Air Force and we are stationed in Japan.  We adopted domestically, but to do so, traveled around the world to the states and returned home to a foreign country.  Adoption is difficult under the best of circumstances but adopting while in the military brings with it some unique challenges, especially if stationed overseas or if the service member is deployed.  I have encountered many military families who wanted to adopt but were so overwhelmed by the demands of frequent moves that might interrupt a homestudy, difficulty finding a qualified social worker to do the homestudy, lack of information on adoption (or conflicting information) available to military service members and their families, confusion over how to obtain a passport, and rejection from adoption agencies that found working with military families stationed overseas to be too cumbersome.  The mantra that I heard most often was, “We would really like to adopt, but it is just so hard and we don’t know where to begin.” 

Nicole R. Frederick (Adoptive Mom of Two)

 M.A., Counseling Psychology

People can say the darnedest things.  As adoptive parents, we hear plenty, as do my friends who are parents through donor conception.  While I am happy to educate people about the adoption world and the better names to use for people and situations, what we worry about most is how stupid comments affect our children.  Within a 1 month span, I heard “real parents” referenced on TV and radio 3 or 4 times.  What must those kinds of terms to do our kids’ perception of their family?  And when I model the correct term of birthmother or birthfather and the other speaker doesn’t start using the term, don’t be surprised if I completely call them out on it!  Here are some of the highlights of things that have been said to my friends and me.

• “You took the easy way out.  You adopted.” Followed closely by “Just adopt.”  Yes, we took the easy way out.  I enjoyed getting permission from 27 different people to be a parent, having no money to spend for years (after spending all our money on failed infertility treatments), asking friends and family for referrals on what great people we are and especially holding a baby that I didn’t know if I was going to be a parent to.

• You didn’t do awful things to your body being pregnant.”  And  “You are so lucky you didn't need to buy maternity clothes.”  Nope, I have no stretch marks.  Instead I have tiny scarring on my stomach from the 300+ shots I gave myself.  The 2 miscarriages, including 1 D&C, were a walk in the park too.  And research is still rather inconclusive on what the final results of all those hormones I injected will be.  I would gladly trade all of it for stretch marks.

• Didn’t you want a child of your own?” and “So, you couldn't have kids of your own?”  Yes, I wanted kids of my own.  These two beautiful boys ARE MY OWN. 

• Are you going to buy another baby?” and “So how much did he cost?”  Well let me scan the UPC bar code on his butt and find out since I don’t remember.  While adoptions are expensive, what we pay for is the advertising to find the birthparents, the counseling for the birthparents, counseling for us, filing of legal paperwork and sometimes some living expenses for the birthparents, among other things.  I did not pay for my child.  That is illegal.

• “He clings to you like you’re his mom.”  I don’t wipe his butt and pay for his room and board out of generosity.  I AM his mom.  Period.

• “How old was he when you got him?” and “Where was he born?”  While not offensive questions, the reactions from people when I tell them that they were born in state and we were there 4 hours after birth for kid #1 and down the hall for kid #2, people seem very disappointed and almost offended.

• “If it's meant to be it'll happen.” Right by that logic if I play on the highway I'll only get hit by a car if it's meant to be.

• “Adopt and you'll fall pregnant for sure.” “And now you will get pregnant. Just watch!” (I got a puppy and didn't end up having a litter of my own)  And while I know people this has happened to, research shows that anyone who quits treatment has a small percentage of a chance of becoming pregnant spontaneously, regardless of an adoption status.  It has also happened to just as many friends who quit treatment and did not adopt.  This has also been said to my friend after her hysterectomy and to me after my tubes were tied as part of my infertility treatment.

• “Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mom/mum.” Maybe my spork wants to visit your eyeball.

• “Take my kids that'll cure you of wanting them.” Who do you hate more, me or your kids?

• “Are they your real kids?” Nope! My imagination is *that* good that I can make others see them!  And I’m their “real” mom – no plastic!

• “Bless your heart taking in those poor kids.”   “You are saints for adopting.”  We asked for these kids.  We are the lucky ones to be their parents.  While yes, there are some people out there who are truly saints for adopting extreme special needs kids, most of us just want to be a mom or dad.

• “Where is their real mommy?” and “Or, "how tall is his mom?"
  Me: "well, you're looking at her right now… How tall do I look?"  Again, not plastic.  And by using those words, people completely negate our relationship with our children.  For the record, but of my children have spent time with their birthfamilies, know who they look like (and how tall their birthfamily members are) and will always be told how loved they are by both of their families.

• “Where is their real mommy?” and “Or, "how tall is his mom?"
  Me: "well, you're looking at her right now… How tall do I look?"  Again, not plastic.  And by using those words, people completely negate our relationship with our children.  For the record, but of my children have spent time with their birthfamilies, know who they look like (and how tall their birthfamily members are) and will always be told how loved they are by both of their families.

• “When are you going to tell them they are adopted?” Um…you think I'd tell you but not tell them?  Particularly enjoy this question to parents of transracially adopted children!

• About my kids, while knowing I'm their mom: "are they siblings?" Clearly, yes, I'm mom to both of them so that's how that works. I understand what they are really asking but will never understand why this matters so much to everyone we meet.

This final comment came from my first son’s birthmom.  She did what medical science could not – she made me a mom.  I have found that my momma bear instincts kick in when people ask about her and her motives to chose adoption for her baby.  I’ll stand up for her the same way I stand up for my son when the brat at school calls him names!  Adoption is an incredibly loving, brave choice.  I’ve seen people take the “easy” way out and just pass the baby on to another family member.  There is nothing easy about chosing adoption, and all of my adoptive parent friends are incredibly grateful to our children’s birthparents for their choice. 

My personal favorite (I am a birth mom) How could you give up your child????? Didn't you love them?…(Of course I loved my child. That’s why I picked his parents. lol)   Biology doesnt make a family….love does…and so many people dont realize that… 

So what’s the problem?

The problem is that the healthy infants are not the needy kids. As I’ve noted before, we have long waiting lists for those families – usually who have gone through very difficult infertility treatments – who want to adopt healthy infants. But we have to recruit families for those with special needs, older children, or large sibling groups.

Do I have a problem with people who choose adoption as their first choice to complete their family? No of course not, although you have to accept that some prospective birth mothers might. Everyone has a different path to parenthood and that’s fine. But don’t kid yourself by thinking that since you are adopting a healthy White girl that you are doing anyone a favor. Except of course yourself and hopefully your child. But I can also tell you that we have also seen a lot of additional frustration from families when they get rejected by a prospective birth mom because they are not infertile, or when they get flak from other adoptive families who have gone through a lot of invasive medical procedures only to get their hearts broken. Increasingly, they are saying what woman told us on the phone the other day after hearing the details about cost, wait times, and legalities of domestic infant adoption; “Oh, so maybe I should just have one then.”

We have several books exploring the religious call to adopt in our Bookstore – take a look at the "Motivations" section!

Below is a guest post from Cherri Walrod, Founder and Director of Resources4Adoption. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and experience, Cherri!

In the last ten years and through completion of three international adoptions, I learned a great deal about adoption financial planning and resources.  I would like to share some of what I learned with you.

Here are the three things that you must know before looking for adoption grants:

1.  Application Eligibility Criteria

Nearly all adoption grant organizations have some sort of application criteria.  What are eligibility criteria anyway?  Eligibility criterion says who is eligible to apply and who is NOT eligible to apply.  If you are single and applying to an organization that only offers grants to married couples, then you would be wasting your time.  If you are not a Christian and you are applying to an organization that only offers grant to Christians, once again you would be wasting your time. 

Some organizations have more than one set of application criteria.  For example some sources may only accept applications from Christian married couples and making less than $60,000 annually.  Another example might be a grant for families adopting special needs or a particular special need and the family lives in a particular state or area of the country.  Others may only offer a matching grant format.

It is very important to know ahead of time what the application criteria are so that you make the best use of your time and resources. 

2.  Home study

Almost every granting organization requires that adoptive families have a completed home study.  There are only one or two sources that I am aware of, where families can apply at any stage in the process.  The vast majority require this critical piece of documentation.  In most cases you will be asked to send a copy of your home study along with your adoption grant application.

3.  Documentation

Most adoption grant organizations require list of documents or documentation to accompany a family’s application.  You will need to be prepared to present a working family budget or monthly cash flow, summary of your net worth, listing of adoption expenses (including what has been paid and what still needs to be paid), other financial documents such as pay stubs or letters from employers verifying your income, tax returns for the last few years, and motivation to adopt. 

If you plan to apply to any Christian based organizations, you will need to supply some additional information about your beliefs, theology and faith.  Christian organizations sometimes require letters of reference from your pastor, small group leader and others from your community who can vouch for your Christian character. 

There may be more documents but you get the general idea…Plan to prepare and send a lot of paperwork! 

My goal is to help save you time and frustration so you can focus on building your family.  When you need help, please check out Resources4adoption.com or follow these links for additional resources:

1.  CHARTS - Most families are interested in are the Adoption Grants charts or the Grants AND Loans Charts.  These are available on the website for a nominal fee.  There are a total of 67 grants or grant names listed.  This chart also has a quick reference guide to help you locate potential sources even faster.  You can view a FREE SAMPLE CHART HERE.  

2.  eBook – How to Find Funding-The Complete Guide to Adoption Grants and Loans.  This step-by-step guide will lead you through the process of applying for grants and gives you tons of information and pointers on exactly how and what to do with these applications.

3.  Combine and Save – Get the grants and loans charts, plus the eBook at discounted rate that will save 20% when you get them together.  You can find that info here.

I hope this information has been helpful.  For more information about adoption grants and other adoption financing options, please visit my website at www.resources4adoption.com. 

Cherri Walrod

Founder and Director of Resources4adoption.com

©November 2011 Resources4adoption.com

After the feel-good series It’s Not About You we turn to even more fun topics – money. December brings a lot of holidays which brings a lot of expensive presents. For some of you it will bring an awesome new present – a new family member. But that can be a huge budget buster this month particularly. Of course you know what I would say; kids are expensive so get used to it! Fortunately this Dec series features some help on the subject from adoption funding expert Cherri Walrod, founder of Resources 4 Adoption. Cherri started her site after diligent research on available aid to offset adoption expenses. She will be our guest expert this month and I encourage you to check out her site as it has a lot of good information

Want to know a dirty secret? We know adoption is expensive. That’s right, agencies know they are charging average people a lot of money. We also know that some may not be able to afford us even though they would make excellent parents. We don’t like it any more than you do, actually. We want the best parents for the child, but the reality is (can you tell I like reality checks?) this is our job. We have to get paid to make a living. If we don’t make a living at this then we can’t continue to provide a service that we feel called to provide. Does this mean that all agencies are being ethical in their fees? No of course not, there are bad apples in every group – agencies, attorneys, facilitators, birth moms and even adoptive parents. But it does mean that particularly for agencies who do primarily infant adoption, which features high demand and ever decreasing supply, fees are only going to go up. This does NOT mean you should blindly accept fees and not know what they are going towards – by all means

• ask questions!
• read the contract!
• discuss what you can handle as a family!

However, just because you disagree with an agency fee or how they charge them (for example all up front, sliding scale, everything is due at placement, etc) does not mean they will change them, and sometimes you will have to choose between accepting and declining a particular situation because of what or how the agency charges. It also means that if you take a situation from a particular agency you are then bound by their rules, fees and scale, whether the placement works or not. You don't get to conveniently change your mind about the fees just because birth mom changed her mind or you the situation did not go as you assumed it would. Your best bet is to find an agency you trust and take their advice on situations outside the agency. Hopefully they will be honest with you; as you can tell we at AGOHA are brutally honest about what we think is ethical, appropriate and worth the risk, and this extends to our own situations as well.

There is some help available in the form of grants and loans, and fundraisers for adoption are becoming more popular as well. Next week Cherri will give you some advice about how to start the process and what types of adoptions and families are most likely to get help.  

You see, kids need parents. Therefore as potential parents you are a vital part of the process and of the child's life ultimately. Adoption would not be possible for children if there were not parents to adopt them. This still doesn't give you free reign to suck everyone into your weird little world where you have the ability to create this unrealistic dream family simply by willing (or buying) it into existence. What many adoptive parents don't see is what regardless of what you have been through on your journey to parenthood, the world does not owe you a child. And it certainly does not owe you a child that you design yourself. For adoption to be about the child it has to be about the child who needs to be adopted. Sounds like a duh statement, but in adoption frequently you hear from adoptive parents who already have their kids designed in their heads and they are looking for whoever can sell them that child.

Here is the reality: just because you have two boys already does not mean the world owes you a girl.Just because you have one child does not mean you are owed another. And the real sticker: just because you are White does not mean the universe owes you a White baby.

Because the availability of healthy White newborns available to adopt is shrinking – and the reality is this reflects the general population too. 

What it does mean is that if you know that you are meant to be parents, your child or children will find you. It is your job to be ready for them, whenever they manage to show up. And it is your solemn responsibility to be the best parents you can be and the parents they need. I'm quite confident that whatever your child looks like, whatever his or background, and whatever other factors that you couldn't control even if you tried, you can be great parents. Because ultimately it doesn't really matter to a child whether his parents look like him, have the same mental health history or where they fall in the family birth order – it matters that he has parents. So yeah, it can be a little about you, as long as the about you part is focused on them.

I hope you are giving thanks for your blessings today, particularly your precious children. We sure are – Happy Thanksgiving!