Welcome to A Gift of Hope Adoptions!
We are so happy you chose to visit our web site. A Gift of Hope Adoptions is a licensed Missouri adoption agency based in Columbia, Missouri. We service the entire state of Missouri, and can also assist those not located in Missouri.
We understand what a confusing and difficult process adoption can be. Our adoption counselors are here to help you navigate the systems in the process of your adoption, and be there for you during both the happy and difficult times. If you are an adoptive family looking to start the adoption process we would be happy to introduce you to our agency and help you along the way.
If you are pregnant and unsure of what your options are please feel free to give us a call. We will explain them to you without pressuring you to choose, and help you when you do make your decision.
Please look around the site, and if you have any questions let us know. There is a contact form as well as contact information below if you prefer not to submit your requests over the web. Good luck with your journey.
This site, the contents of this site, and any links on this site are intended for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional advice or contract of services. One should not rely solely upon information given through this web site, or links on this web site. Communication with our office via the feedback page or via the contact information provided does not create a client relationship. The inclusion of information or links does not constitute an endorsement or sponsorship.
Contact – Also Not About You
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 11/17/11
Contact between adoptive families and birth families is still a hot topic and big issue to consider. For some reason, the general stereotype persists of adoption as a business arrangement whereby knocked up prom queen goes off to visit an aunt for a few months, surreptitiously delivers a baby who is spirited away by a nurse and eventually finds his or her way into the waiting arms of an adoptive family after a brief residence in a magical orphanage that seemingly manufactures babies that come from nowhere. We never hear anything more about the knocked up prom queen who somehow ends up back in high school as captain of the cheerleaders once again, dating the same football quarterback who didn’t agree or disagree to the adoption and neither ever thinks about the baby ever again, right? They never wonder about how he/she is doing, whether his/her parents love her as much as they do, whether the child knows about the adoption at all. Sure, that’s totally the way people work emotionally.
Reality check: that was 50 years ago, and it wasn't healthy then either. Times have changed, and contact between adoptive families and birth families is not only common, it’s expected. At least it’s expected from the birth families usually. If you had any illusions of a nun or a nurse, or a sarcastic social worker, magically appearing at your door with a baby who somehow looks exactly like you – get over it. So now that you understand that you will do the birth parents the courtesy of keeping them apprised of the health and welfare of the child they so selflessly gave you, you do have to decide when, how much, and medium. Note, that’s not if, but when and how. I can hear the protests, but biological parents don’t have to do this, why should I have to. Again, reality check – adopting is different than biological parenting. No it’s not fair, but once again, reality rears its ugly head. Let me be clear, if you are not willing to consider the possibility of continuing, long term contact of at least yearly photos and updates to the birth mother (remember her – she gave you her kid) then you are not prepared to be adoptive parents. At least not domestic adoptive parents.
Here’s the deal, contact should not be threatening to you. You send your great aunt Roberta pictures and updates containing nauseating detail, sometimes via the easiest method possible – Facebook status. How is this so difficult to translate into your child’s birth mother? She’s probably on Facebook, and if not, there are number of places that will process the pictures of the giant poosplosion you subjected the rest of us to, and you can even send them through your agency in order to keep your address to yourself. So what is the problem? Concerned that she might want the poosplosion back? If you followed your agency’s advice and the parental rights were properly and legally terminated she couldn’t even if she wanted to. I know, I’m trivializing your pain and experience. Here’s the thing – it’s not about you anymore. I know infertility is tortuous and adopting still brings up grief mixed in with the joy of finally being a parent. But just like every parent – biological or adoptive – it simply can’t be about you anymore. Adopting in many ways is like marriage, you have to find the right match, you have to work at it, it’s a roller coaster, and it brings you to a place where we is more important than me. Just like with marriage, for adoption to work properly you have to get over yourself. Put the needs of the child above your own, and go a little out of your way to honor and respect your child’s birth mother. She went more than a little out of her way for you.
Topics: Adoptive Families | Open Adoption
Get Over Yourself: It’s Not About You
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 11/10/11
Continuing with the feel-good series of the year, and this time we are going to focus on your flaws. Yep, you are not perfect. I’ll let you digest that for a moment. Have you swallowed your pride and decided to read on? Good for you, perhaps we can move forward. You see, many adoptive families give me a laundry list of what they are looking for in their child, usually culminating in the child being healthier, prettier and smarter than they could possibly deliver in a biological child. Now I’m not saying that I can’t place that particular child; I have done so many times. But what most adoptive parents don’t realize (or choose to ignore) is that when I have that child to place, it is not the agency who chooses the adoptive family, it is that child’s birth mother. And she might not want you to parent her child. More digestion required here I see. I’ll wait.
Did you get that – she doesn’t want you to be the adoptive family. Guess what, that’s fine. It’s not your decision, it’s hers. Just because you are shown on a particular situation that you think must be meant for you because it’s absolutely everything you want doesn’t mean you will get chosen. So get over it. Seriously, get over yourself. You are not God’s gift to every birth mom. You aren’t supposed to be. Every birth mom (or birth family – sometimes the birth fathers are involved too you know) has her own idea of what the perfect family for her child looks like. Sometimes it’s a general idea, sometimes there are very defined specifics that are deal breakers for her. Sometimes that changes as she goes through the process. And she has every right to that, even when it's hard to define or articulate. No one, not her social worker, not her extended family and certainly not grabby adoptive families should be trying to convince her otherwise. Sometimes this is hard; sometimes she does have to embrace a reality check too because her list is unrealistic. But usually she has many choices and chooses the family who she thinks will be the best from her point of view. Read that sentence again – HER point of view, not yours. Not even mine.
I get very frustrated with adoptive parents who seem to assume that because they have a certain characteristic that they will of course be chosen any time they are shown. This is part of the reason we tend not to share every time you are shown – because if you are not chosen we both have to deal with the fallout. Does this mean you shouldn’t adopt? Of course not, I didn’t say you were wrong for every situation. But you do have to accept that you will be rejected by more prospective birth mothers than you will be accepted by. For those of you who sat at the cool kids lunch table in high school this will require a giant paradigm shift. For the rest of us it will be same ‘ole story, different face. But for those of us who were unpopular nerds in high school can testify to the fact that initial rejection often leads to a much better situation later on, and this holds true in adoption as well. Yes waiting is hard. But again, the wait isn’t about you, although the stress makes it seem that way. The wait is for your child, and as parents – you will become parents! – we wait a lot. We wait in the doctor’s office, in the carpool, for the potty. This one is longer than most, but the payoff is greater too. If you can get over yourself, that is. And I will be very clear – if you cannot get over yourself you should not adopt. I realize this is frustrating, but what I have learned over the years is just because you may be great parents does not mean you would be great adoptive parents, and our children deserve the best parents they can have, whether biological or adoptive.
Topics: Adoption Procedures | Adoptive Families | Beginning the Process | Matching
It’s Not About You
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 11/3/11
Happy Adoption Month! I know, the title seems sort of harsh, right? Not exactly what you were expecting for celebrating the way you become a family? Here’s the thing, in order to really celebrate how awesome adoption is, the focus has to be properly placed. Adoptive parents go through a lot, many have issues with fertility and have to work through the pain of not having biological children. Sometimes you experience a failed adoption, which is gut-wrenching. And sometimes you even have to deal with other complicated issues like unknown medical or mental health, how to become a blended family (which is what you are, like it or not), or how to raise a child of a different race. And yet, even though it is you who have to deal with all of these issues, the overarching point is – IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Because if it was, you wouldn’t be doing all these hard things, right? Now of course you want kids, and a family. It’s not that you aren’t necessary or crucial to the process. But in the world of adoption, it absolutely must be about the children. It must be about finding a family for them, not about finding a child for you.
But, but, sputter. What do you mean it’s not about finding me a child? Why then am I being put through the indignation of a homestudy, the strain of waiting, the possibility of failure, and the annoyance of post-placement supervision? Biological parents don’t have to do that. Not to mention what it’s costing me.
Nope, still not about you. Not only not, can’t. For adoption to work for anyone, it has to be about what’s best for the child. Sometimes that’s not what’s best for you. Sometimes you will not be the right match, and that’s ok. Sometimes you will have to wait a long time to be chosen, and have to accept that not every birth mom wants you to parent her child, and that’s ok. Sometimes people will ask you where your child came from, how much they cost or where the “real” mother is. That’s not ok, but will happen so prepare for it. And the preparing for it has a lot more to do with how you model and explain to your child rather than how you deal with your own hurt feelings. Because it’s about your child, still. It will always be about how you can be the best parent for your child, and while that might be slightly different than biological child parenting, that is exactly the same as being a biological parent. When it comes down to it parenting in general is about the child, and there, adoptive parenting is nothing special.
Topics: Adoptive Families | Beginning the Process | Matching | Open Adoption
BTDT: Advice from Adoptive Parents
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 9/26/11
BTDT = Been There Done That
So you've heard the professionals suggestions for Do's and Don'ts on how to survive the wait for a match. However admittedly, not every adoption social worker is an adoptive parent, some of us just believe in it enough to keep working for you. So probably you wonder what it's really like for adoptive parents to wait for that fateful phone call. If you really want a play by play of what it's like for social workers just ask, really. Below is some advice from AGOHA adoptive mom Cindy, who may now consider herself a veteran waiter.
Topics: Adoption Procedures | Adoptive Families | Beginning the Process | Family Testimonial
While You Wait Some More
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 8/25/11
So, now you know what we think you should do, now let’s hear what we think you shouldn’t do. Let’s face it, waiting makes you crazy. Some of us were crazy to begin with, and this just focuses the crazy. Others were not crazy (or thought they weren’t anyway) and the wait brings out the crazy they never knew was there.
Unfortunately, particularly for people who never knew how grueling the wait can be, there are those things that you think might be helpful that actually will make it worse. I’ll address the major one from a professional point of view and include a few others as well.
The big one you think will help you settle and actually will ruin your life – asking to be notified every time your profile is shown or checking in with your adoption professional obsessively. Read it again. Note that I did not say never check in, or that you should never know if you are being shown. However, if you hire someone to help you network/advertise/provide matching services, there is some element of trusting that decision and your ability to hire solid professionals. Trust me when I say if you knew every time we sent out your profile, directed someone to the Waiting Family page on our website, talked you up on the phone to someone who seemed like a good match, you would be a complete wreck. Not every prospective birth parent will pick a family right away, not every one will pick period – some choose to use another adoption professional, or parent their child instead. Guess what – that’s totally fine. Just because you are waiting to adopt and they are considering it does not mean every situation is a perfect match for you. But if you knew every time, you would start to wonder what was wrong with you or your profile and it just spirals down into obsessive profile changes or general depression about adoption in general. So how do you balance not being obsessive about knowing every detail about every situation you’ve ever had the possibility of being considered for and just not knowing anything ever including whether the people you hired are actually doing their job? First, do your homework when choosing an adoption professional. Second, check in occasionally – say quarterly, with your rep or social worker to see if there is any feedback from prospective birth parents on your profile and how the agency is doing in general. All agencies have slow times, so don’t freak out if you haven’t been shown. Sometimes you can go 2 months without being shown and then get shown 3 times in one month. It is not an exact science, but make sure you know what your adoption professional’s averages are. Third, keep your agency aware of your situation – always notify them with any changes in your life or if you will be gone on vacation give updated contact info. Below are some more general Don’ts while you wait.
- Don’t panic. It will happen, but panicking about when or how won’t do anyone any good.
- Don’t look up every photolisting, every professional situation posting, every adoption network site for posted situations needing adoptive families. Again, it will make you crazy.
- Don’t look longingly at baby magazines or decorate your nursery if it will make things worse. Buy one item occasionally, but decorating the whole nursery and then staring at it will only make it harder.
- Don’t play the what-if game. You can’t erase your past, you can’t control your infertility, and you can’t force a birth mother to pick you. You can still have a family through the miracle of adoption.
Topics: Adoption Procedures | Adoptive Families | Beginning the Process | Matching
While You Wait
By Elizabeth Ehlen, 8/11/11
So, you’ve made it through the homestudy process (not nearly as scary as you thought, just LOTS of paperwork) and made a fantastic profile that showcases your family in the best possible light. Your agency, attorney, facilitator, referral service has the profile and is showing it to prospective birth parents. What do you do now? Hurry up and wait?
The waiting process can be long or short, and unlike your average biological pregnancy does not reveal itself physically unless you actually get to the point of tearing your hair out. It’s still stressful, frustrating and mentally exhausting. So what are some tips and tricks from the pros and the parents who have made it through to keep you from walking up to random pregnant women and asking if you can have their baby?
First, some to-do tips from the adoption professionals on how to maintain your composure. At least on the outside.
- Network, network, network, network, network, network. Someone doesn’t know you want to adopt? Make sure they do now!
- Have/find a hobby – seriously, it helps to have something normal (or not so normal) to take your mind off it.
- Start a savings account for legal fees and birth mom expenses.
- Start a journal or blog to record the highs and lows of the process – be sure to link to your profile or agency website!
- Check to see if there are any adoption support groups in your area – if not start one!
- Read books and articles on various aspects of adoption. There are lots of interesting articles on this website to get you started.
- Stick to a normal routine. Yes, the call could come anytime. That doesn’t mean you should stop making dinner and stare obsessively at the phone. Then you’re still waiting and really hungry.
Next time we’ll cover some don’ts, because some things you think will be helpful might actually make you less sane.
