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Open Adoption from a Birthmom's Point of View

From Elizabeth: Last year it was my privilege to work with this amazing woman on an adoption plan for her baby. During a chat after the adoption was finalized, I asked her what she would say to someone now who was considering adoption for her child. She wrote this thoughtful response that I think everyone should read - I haven't edited it or changed anything. Note I'm not naming her to protect her privacy, and she gave me permission to post this. 

            As a birth mother who picked an open adoption for my baby, here are some things I have learned.  You will find times that you will wonder if this is the right decision for your unborn baby and you will wonder if you are strong enough to do this without going totally crazy, and there are a few ways you will feel crazy.  I’m here to tell all you soon to be mothers that you are stronger than you think/thought because you are thinking about your unborn baby’s future over your own wants and needs.

Yes, there are times that you feel/know you are putting your family through hell, but first and foremost this is a decision you made for your child’s future.  It will tear you up inside and you will carry a lot of guilt over it.  If your family/friends ask about you and the baby (after adoption) just be honest, and if they don’t, you can ask them if they want updates or want to see pictures. Don’t push it on them they are coping in the best way they can. You are doing the hardest thing that you will do in your whole life, remember you are doing this so your baby will have the life he/she deserves.

Now, for the couple you are thinking about… use your gut instincts and pick a couple who have the same ideals and values.  It will make it a little easier if you know the child will grow up fishing, hunting, playing sports, etc. all the things you think of doing with a child. Also, be 100% honest about your feelings, with the couple and your caseworker.  Elizabeth was my caseworker and she was (and still is) there for me. If you ever need someone who went through what you are going through and still dealing with the after effects, Elizabeth can put you in contact with me.

There will be times that you feel so guilty and broken inside that you will sit and cry your eyes out. Don’t be ashamed, it is fine, I have done that myself.  Let it out, if you keep it bottled up it will eat you alive. You will have days that you wonder how you will ever make it through, but you will. I take one day as it comes and remind myself that I did the best thing for my baby, it was the hardest decision I have made in my life.

The parents I chose are such awesome parents.  We talk at least once a week; they send me pictures and updates. I always ask if I can send small gifts to them. The boundary lines can be hard to maneuver at first, but hang in there it gets easier. Remember this isn’t all roses and unicorns but you are a strong woman who has chosen to do the best by your baby. Don’t ever forget that, even through your worst days.

If you would like to talk to us about adoption for your child, give us a call! (or text, or Facebook message, or email....whatever works best) 

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